Note to self: Please Don't Cheat on Your Mistress !?

According to RadarOnline, Jesse James' fifth alleged mistress often found him cheating on her with other women.




A "close friend" of Merilee Geeth said that there were times the mistress would go into his office on the weekend and Jesse would be "fooling around" with another girl. This left Merilee "shocked."



One of Tiger Woods' mistresses said the same thing…she was mad because she thought she was the only mistress.



When you're sleeping with a married man, you aren't allowed to be "shocked" that he isn't being faithful to you. That's like drinking a bottle of tequila and then being "surprised" that you woke up in Tijuana next to a donkey missing your favorite kidney.

Funny Yet True Fortune Cookie Blunders

Be thankful the next time you open up a fortune cookie that doesn’t have a fortune as strange –or hilarious - as these:




Confucius say you have heart as big as Texas.



You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.



Because of your melodic nature, the moonlight never misses an appointment.



You will gain admiration from your pears.



You will receive a fortune cookie.



Never wear your best pants when you go to fight for freedom.



A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard.



You love Chinese food.



Someone will invite you to a Karaoke party.



Don't behave with cold manners.



Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.



Don't forget you are always on our minds.



What you left behind is more mellow than wine.



There is no mistake so great as that of being always right.



Never forget a friend. Especially if he owes you.



A tub and a rub will change your day.



THAT WASN'T CHICKEN.



Suppose you can get what you want.



If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you're happy and you know it, eat a monkey.



It's about time I got out of that cookie.



The greatest danger could be your stupidity.



Eat your vegetable and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.



To lower your stress level, get a cat.



Your present plants are going to succeed.



A nice cake is waiting for you.



You may love the small ones but win the big ones.



An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly.



Life is not a struggle. It's a wiggle.



Sssorrryyy, duuplleexxx swwwitccch ooonnn…



A smile is your personal welcome mat.



You are not illiterate.



The rubber bands are heading in the right direction.



Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.



You never know who you touch.



Do not follow the instructions of this fortune.



Your emotional nature is strong and emotional.



Your eyes will soon be sparking, keep them open.



Now is the time to make circles with mints, do not haste any longer.



A woman who seeks to be equal with men lacks ambition. Don't touch that.



Behind an able man, there are always.



You will soon be more aware of your growing awareness.



You may attend a party where strange customs prevail.



Someone can read your mind.



Magic time is created when unconventional person comes.



You are going to have some new clothes.

THE LOVE DRESS

THE LOVE DRESS




A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house..



She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.







Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.



'What are you doing?' she asked.



'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' the daughter-in-law answered.



' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.



'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.



'Love dress? But you're naked!'



'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.



'Every time he sees me in this dress he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'



The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.



Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.



' What are you doing?' he asked..



'This is my love dress,' she whispered sensually.



'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?

I'm a celeb-retard, donkey-punch me in the neck!

The new season of Dancing with the Stars should be borderline amazing. It's about time they got some women on the show that have a little bit of attitude.


Shannen Doherty will be available in case Kate Gosselin gets out of line and needs her extensions pulled out. If you put a Pussycat Doll and Pamela Anderson in the same room together, eventually they'll discover that they've slept with the same person, and one of them will attack the other with a glitter pen.

Although I doubt the reason they hired Pam was for drama. They probably just figured with her they'd save money on personal trailers. You connect the dots.

English Phrase = Chinese Phrase

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat


Are you hiding a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man - Dum Gai

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai Bang Mai Ni

It's very dark in here. - Wai So Dim

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao long Wei Ting?

An unauthorized execution. - Lin Ching.

I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King

You are not very bright. - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty! - Wai Hang Mi?

Please stay a while longer. - Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived. - Hai Dei Kum.


Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile. - Wa Sing Ka.

Your body odor is offensive. - Yu Stin Ki Pu

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Apparently Rielle Hunter isn't happy with the photos used in her recent GQ spread. Barbara Walters said on The View that she spoke to Hunter who "was in tears" over the shots. In one of the photos, Rielle's belly is exposed while she lies with her two-year-old daughter. Let me get this straight!!! She is ashamed of her belly and not ashamed of sleeping with a married man?!?!?!?!


Walters asked Hunter why she is upset since she obviously posed for the pictures, to which Hunter responded she trusted the photographer and "went with the flow."

When Hunter saw the photos that were used, she told Walters that she "screamed for 2 hours." I'm sure the baby feels just as humiliated.



She should be more upset over the lack of judgment she used in actually posing for a GQ spread when her only claim to fame is the she got knocked up by a married presidential candidate. And "screamed for 2 hours?" Who has that much time on their hands?

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

I don’t know why my hubby makes such a big deal when I’m trying to help him drive. We all need a little help to point us in the right direction. I simply point out all the things “we” are doing wrong while we are trying to get to our final destination. Here is my simple direction to him: “we are going right” Him: “I know” Me “ho no! watch out!! Didn’t you see this car coming? You need to be more defensive when driving” Him: “do you want to drive?” Me (completely ignore the remark and keep helping him drive)


“ I think you need to get in the left lane”. Him: “I know”. ME: “so why aren’t you?” Him” am I driving? Or you? Me “why you going so slow? Pick up the pace, you driving like my grandma” Him “ dear God help me to not choke this woman” . Me: “ are you sawing a dress for yourself with this car? It feels like you are, this all break and go thing , that you doing just not working for me.” Him: “dear God just kill me now! Please I can’t take it no more.” ME:” LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! You got to turn LEFT!”



I don’t know why he makes such a big deal..I’m only trying to help….

What Women Want in a Man. Age 20-70

What Women Want in a Man:


What Women Want in a Man. Age 20

Handsome

Charming

Financially successful

A caring listener

Witty

In good shape

Dresses with style

Appreciates finer things

Full of thoughtful surprises

An imaginative, romantic lover

What Women Want in a Man. Age 30

Nice looking [prefer hair on his head]

Opens car doors, holds chairs

Has enough money for a nice dinner

Listens more than talks

Laughs at my jokes

Carries bags of groceries with ease

Owns at least one tie

Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

Seeks romance at least once a week

What Women Want in a Man. Age 40

»Not too ugly [bald head OK]

Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

Nods head when I'm talking

Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

Remembers to put the toilet seat down

Shaves most weekends

What Women Want in a Man. Age 50

Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

Doesn't belch or scratch in public

Doesn't borrow money too often

Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

Appreciates a good TV dinner

Remembers your name on occasion

Shaves some weekends

What Women Want in a Man. Age 60

Doesn't scare small children

Remembers where bathroom is

Doesn't require much money for upkeep

Only snores lightly when asleep

Remembers why he's laughing

Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

Usually wears some clothes

Likes soft foods

Remembers where he left his teeth

Remembers that it's the weekend

What Women Want in a Man. Age 70+

Breathing

Doesn't miss the toilet

Funny

After Monday and Tuesday...

Even the calendar says

W T F.

Life Unplucked, The Hairy Truth:)

Forget American Express.

Don't leave home without your tweezers. The car is the best place to pluck .
Ever notice a weird, freakishly long hair growing in a truly inappropriate place?

It's usually a different thickness, texture and even color than any of your other hair just to add to the over-all creepiness of it.

Invariably this horrifying discovery occurs when you have been out all day, among tons of people, including your so-called friends!

You just know that everyone that saw you was thinking to themselves, how could anyone have a huge gross hair growing under their chin and not do anything about it?

Frankly, my eyesight is not what it used to be, plus, these mutant hairs literally

appear overnight.

When you hit a certain age all remaining fertility migrates north to the higher elevations. Now all the hair except the hair on the top of your head, grows at an accelerated pace. It is not humanly possible to keep up.

Your only weapons are a highly magnified mirror and surgical quality tweezers.

Warning: Take the necessary precautions. Keep them under lock and key!

I have personally been involved in missing tweezer induced rage.

Under certain circumstances it can become nearly homicidal in nature.

Trust me, you do not want to go there.

Another Dream Shattered !!

we can all stop looking!!
Someone finally managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow.

Take a look at my giveaway:)

A week at the gym

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a pilates instructora faw years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.


I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.





________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week !!





________________________________
TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT !! It's a whole new life for me.





_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.





_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny little bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing

machine -- which I sank.



_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't

have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the

floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?



__________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up

catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.





________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds !!!

We all need a good laugh!

Are you joking me with this S@#$% ?!

In a interview with Barbara Walters, Mo'Nique discussed her marriage. She explained that she has never strayed outside of her marriage but that if her husband did, she would not consider it a "deal-breaker."


Well if she's not going to shave her legs then I think it's only fair he gets to sleep with other women.


She said that things happen, and that often people get into marriages and "don't know who they're laying next to."  That only happens to me when I drink...lol

Walters challenged her and asked how she would feel if her husband cheated 20 times, to which she replied "so what?" No kidding. If you're sleeping with Mo'Nique, it's already the equivalent of 20 women.

Names

A new survey has disclosed the most embarrassing and weirdest names in Britain. It seems that some of the names we think are jokes are actual names.


A spokesperson for the Daily Telegraph said that many parents may not have realized the embarrassment they were imposing on their child when they gave them names such as Barb Dwyer, Hazel Nutt and Paige Turner.

If any parent didn't know those names were ridiculous, they shouldn't have been allowed to be parents. Isn't it tough enough being British without having to sport the name Stan Still?

The most embarrassing name in Britain is Amy Winehouse. Was that a self fulfilled prophecy?

Do you know anyone with an unusual name?

Love Handles Saved My Life....

Most people hate their love handles, but Florida resident Samantha Lynn Frazier says her love handles saved her life when she was shot entering an Atlantic City bar.


Frazier says she heard two pops when she walked into Herman's Place early Saturday. The 35-year-old then felt pain and saw blood on her hand after she grabbed her left side.

Atlantic City police say Frazier was an innocent bystander. Detective Lt. Charles Love says the gunman was aiming for a man who escaped with a bullet hole in his down jacket.

The suspect remains at large.

Frazier tells The Press of Atlantic City she had been "hollering" how she wanted to lose weight. She now says "I want to be as big as I can if it's going to stop a bullet."

Great plan cupcake, but what about getting skinny so maybe next time the bullet will miss you.

Please don’t send me hate comment:( this is just a joke :)

There are 6 absolute facts of life




1. It’s physically impossible to touch your teeth with your tongue.





2. All retards, after reading the first fact, will try it.





3. You will discover that the first fact is a lie.





4. You’re smiling now because you’re retard.





5.You soon will forward this to another retard.





6. I apologize for posting this. But I’m a retard. And I needed the company!:)

Rihanna Wears a Wingsuit Snuggie

Rihanna Wears a Wingsuit Snuggie


Rihanna arrives at the Echo award 2010 at Messe Berlin on March 4, 2010 in Berlin, Germany.

The Blanket with sleeves or cape is perfect for:

• Traveling in the Car
• Night Time Pub Crawls
• Chilly Office Buildings
• Sporting Events
• Cold Movie Theaters
And now on the red carpet

I think Rihanna is using lady Gaga stylist this days.

Just another day in Chuck E Cheese...

A woman was celebrating her son's birthday at a Chuck E Cheese in Indianapolis when her purse was stolen...by a five-year-old.

While Mandi Harrington and her family followed their kids who wanted to go play, the sneaky little toddler waddled up to where they left their belongings and took Harrington's purse. Surveillance cameras clearly show that a woman directed the little girl to steal the purse, and when she did, the woman grabbed it and ran out the door.
Impressive: I didn't think kids listened.

In other news, Lindsay Lohan was recently seen toting a new purse.

Meg Ryan VS. Susan Sarandon

According to Star magazine, Meg Ryan and Tim Robbins have been "quietly hooking up."

I don't like this story. He was with such a beautiful woman for years. This feels like a step down. Susan Sarandon looks amazing, hasn't screwed up her face, and doesn't seem to be afraid of getting older. Meg Ryan on the other hand, could give Lisa Rinna a run for her money in a fish-face competition. Her face looks crazy.
If Tim Robbins wants something that looks like that, he should just pork an old leather purse.

quick, call batman. i found the joker.