Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A week at the gym



If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a pilates instructora faw years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.


I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.





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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week !!





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TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT !! It's a whole new life for me.





_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.





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THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny little bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing

machine -- which I sank.



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FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't

have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the

floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?



__________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up

catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.





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SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds !!!

We all need a good laugh!

12 comments:

Hope Chella said...

You are so funny!!! I haven't worked out seriously in years! Church is good though ;)

http://hopechella.blogspot.com/

Jules AF said...

Six AM? That is deathly.

Christina said...

So fabulously funny!!

Sam said...

LOL!! I was *rolling* by "Thursday" hehee! Great post.

Angie G. said...

That is beyond funny. Thanks for the laugh!

Messy Mommy said...

My daughter was getting pissed at me because she's trying to nurse and I was laughing so hard she kept losing her latch! Hahahahahaa

Missy | Literal Mom said...

Oh, I'm laughing all right! This was utterly hilarious! Thanks for a good, hearty laugh!

Tracie said...

LOL! Better you than me. (Actually, I DO need to go back to the gym but you know what I mean.)

Traci said...

Well, I guess nothing is wrong with me because I am pulling myself off the floor -- I got there with no treadmill involved, just pure laughter. Too funny. I am facing a similar thing. I used to be in such great shape but I am not now. And there is only one way to get back in shape and you just described it. Too, too funny!
:-)
Traci

Ashley Stone said...

that is soooo funny!

MrsBlogAlot said...

LOFL!!!! This whole post cracked me up Anat!!!!
And I can't stop watching that clip!

Unknown said...

This is great! Hysterically funny... I'm fairly certain some of the staff are wondering what I'm laughing at!

 

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